The woman who made her family disappear: how Karen Palmer escaped her abusive husband
In the summer of 1989, Karen Palmer made a bold decision to flee her abusive husband, Gil, and the father of her two young daughters, Erin and Amy. She packed her belongings, including clothes, toys, a pot, a pan, and a shoebox of photos, into a used car and left without a trace. Palmer's departure was swift and secretive, as she didn't inform her family, friends, or neighbors about her plans. She also didn't provide any notice to her employers or landlord, leaving items on her apartment balcony as a sign of her continued presence.
Palmer's decision to leave was driven by fear and the desire to protect her daughters from the abusive relationship she endured. She describes the day they left Los Angeles as a mix of fear and exhilaration, with her heart pounding as they embarked on an unknown journey. The family headed east, eventually settling in Boulder, Colorado, in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. This location was chosen strategically, as Gil was unlikely to search for them there, given Palmer's preference for living near the ocean.
Without any identification, references, or documents linking them to their previous lives, the family had to adapt quickly. They changed their names, faked documents, found jobs, and enrolled the girls in school. Palmer refers to this period as 'do-it-yourself witness protection,' highlighting the challenges of maintaining a new identity.
Despite their efforts, Gil never found them. Palmer stayed in touch with friends and family by phone, ensuring they knew they were safe, but she kept her location a secret to avoid providing any information that could lead Gil to them. This decision was made to protect her loved ones from potential harm.
The years that followed were marked by uncertainty and self-doubt for Palmer. She spent 20 years questioning whether she had made the right decision, feeling the weight of taking her children away from their father. The memoir, She's Under Here, explores these internal conflicts and the challenges of navigating a complex situation.
During her relationship with Gil, Palmer was unaware of the terms 'domestic abuse,' 'coercive control,' or 'gaslighting,' despite experiencing these dynamics. She highlights the lack of vocabulary and understanding surrounding domestic violence at the time, emphasizing the need for better support and recognition.
Palmer's vulnerable state when she met Gil was influenced by her background. She was an adopted only child, with a father who was an alcoholic and a difficult marriage at home. At 16, she became pregnant and gave up her baby, mistaking her grief for maturity. This experience shaped her perception of relationships and contributed to her vulnerability.
Gil, a functioning alcoholic and a charismatic salesman, was never faithful. Palmer caught him with other women before their wedding, and this behavior continued throughout their 14-year marriage. The relationship was marked by bullying, belittling, and control, with Gil restricting Palmer's social life and friendships.
The memoir delves into the various incidents of abuse, including a time when Gil pointed a loaded gun at Palmer's pregnant belly, leading to a dangerous situation. The divorce process was challenging, with Gil's fury and substance abuse compounding the issues. He stalked Palmer and Vinnie, threatened violence, and engaged in destructive behavior, making the legal process difficult and dangerous.
The turning point came when Gil took Amy from Palmer's arms during a custody exchange, leading to a kidnapping charge and a warrant for his arrest. This incident prompted Palmer and Vinnie to flee, and they recorded a phone call with Gil, which revealed his volatile nature and threats.
The transcription of the call is chilling, showcasing Gil's ability to manipulate and his disregard for the law. He expresses a desire to take Amy again and justifies his actions, indicating a dangerous mindset.
After their escape, Palmer and Vinnie reinvented themselves, creating new identities and lives. They chose a new surname, Palmer, and secured new driving licenses. The girls, Erin and Amy, kept their original names, and they rebuilt their lives in a new location.
Writing the memoir has been a therapeutic process for Palmer, allowing her to process her experiences and emotions. She reflects on the importance of her decision to leave and the impact it had on her and her daughters. The book has resonated with many women who have shared similar stories, finding solace in her journey.
Today, Palmer and Vinnie live in Los Angeles, and they have officially adopted Erin and Amy, who are now young adults. Their family has found stability and love, and Palmer's memoir has become a source of empowerment for women facing similar situations.
